This monologue will be preformed by Chris Chmelik (kind of shown above) next week at Beauty Bar in Chicago's salon series. I have posted it here. Enjoy:
[Zac, wearing a blonde wig, looks in the mirror. This is a personal moment. He fixes his hair. He has a moment with it, thinking something like “goodbye, old friend.” He sighs and exits.
He appears in front of a podium. Pictures are being taken, or sounds of them. Or just the idea of a PRESS CONFERENCE.]
Zac: I was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma on October 22, 1985. I was the third child of Walker and Dianna, two lovers, with a dream. That dream had already started to come to fruition as my older two brothers grew. They became both handsome and talented young men, and they made my parents proud. I, following in their footsteps, grew as well, yet not with the charisma, and musical clairvoyance my brothers both possessed. And I have lived in their scorned shadow… for 26 years.
[Like a president]
I’ve had to change my identity in order to assimilate to be like the rest of my suave, attractive family. I am 26 years old, married, with two children, (Shepard and Izaya), and I still have yet to come out of my shell. I've been the "other one" for far too long, and I'm here to tell you it stops now. I'm ready to be the "me" I deserve to be.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, my name is Zac Hanson and this is not my real hair.
[He pulls off his wig to reveal a very bald head. Gasps abound!!]
YES! This one article of non-clothing has concealed my identity for far too long. Walker and Dianna, will I stand for it any longer? Nay! I. Say. Nay.
Parents, if you are listening, how could you let your child keep a secret
[pointing to his wig]
like-this from the world? You taught me to lie. Whenever Hanson is being referred to now, we won't be called "that handsome, flaxen haired, genius brother-band." Or, "that band made up of the men who were music's greatest gift to ears." Or, our most popular nomenclature, “Like the Cohen Brothers plus one times a billion.” We will be referred to as “Hason, that band that made its youngest member wear a wig to look like his older brothers, and that should have been called Zac.”
Mother and Father, do you know what you’ve done to society!? You’ve created a monster! You’ve made me the actual Hanna Montana! When that cruel joke (disguised as children's entertainment) came on the air, I wept. What father would force his child to change his hair in order to become a successful and famous musician? Yeah, throw onto your delicate child’s head that false mop of golden, cascading locks, like he is a piece of meat! With a wig on. A piece of meat with a wig on! That’s what you’ve made me, Dad. Just for a little Fame. Yeah, and I'm talking to you too, Billy Ray. You sure did break some hearts. One Zach Hanson's achy-breaky heart, and I just don't think I can understand?
So listen up parents, world, and B Ray: the next time you think it's a good idea to trick your child into looking more like his more attractive older brothers by telling him he has to cover up his 10 year old male pattern baldness (that he didn't even know is something to be ashamed of), you go think to yourself… the one thing I've said to myself, my entire life. The only word that has kept me going...
MmBop.
(Displaying the most passion and fire anyone has ever seen on stage… Zac Hanson goes… into song.)
