Isn't it Weird...

When you trip while you're alone and  naked....?

Smile

If ever you are on a quiz show and I'm your partner and we have to know adorable things about each other, you should know that the thing that makes me more mad than anything else in the entire world is when men tell me to smile. 

When you are a very tiny, young girl, complete strangers will tell you to smile ALL THE TIME. Whenever you are not skipping around looking happy to be alive, they will demand this of you. And if you're like me, consistently angry, this will happen to you more frequently. 

I never lash out at people when they upset me because it doesn't occur to me to do so. I totally would if I wasn't caught up in killing them in elaborate ways in my mind. While a group of skinny dogs watch and laugh. 

But when a man tells me to smile, I understand the phrase "it makes my blood boil." That's the feeling. Hot, hot anger. 

Why do they think they can do this? Why should my stroll down the street be about you, and what you want me to look like? It is the exact same thing as saying "Don't wear sweatpants. Wear a skirt."

And it's always the same type of man. Old, ugly and dumb. 

And here is what is probably behind the hatred I have for the entire male species I feel at these moments: I cannot win. There is NO way to respond. Because here are the two options:

1. I say, "Go fuck yourself." or "Why don't you smile, you fat piece of shit?" or "I will if you castrate yourself so their are less ugly, fat fucks on the planet?"  

I've never said any of these, but I have said things said similar to "Go Fuck yourself", or given le finger. And it will without a doubt, STILL make him win. Because he goes "Whoa, aren't we touchy!" Or something that means you are a crazy bitch. 

2. The second thing I can say is "I'm not going to smile because I don't feel like it, and it's not your place to tell me how I should be feeling at the moment." Then he'll get confused and I will have to launch into gender role equality sermon, which will make no sense to this man (see above: old and dumb), and I have no desire to talk to him or educate him. I have the desire to deeply shame him. And even if I DO say these things in a pleasant, docile way ("smile"), I can guarantee you this man will actually be thinking ohhh, you are one of those crazy feminist. God, feminists are so annoying. 

Maybe Amy Pohler knows the answer to this question. Yes. She definitely knows that to do. Tina Fey always says Amy is not afraid to leap down someone's throat when she is offended. Who do I know that can ask Amy Pohler what she does when male strangers command her to feel a certain way for their own pleasure? I bet her retort would raise the perfect balance of fear and shame.

(Fat) Horatio Sanz Sex Dream

Truth be told, there is never actually sex in my sex dreams. They consist of me and a man talking about whether or not we are going to have sex. Or, in one case, grocery shopping with Jeff Goldbloom as he tells me that he's thinking about maybe raping me. That's about as far as they go.

Last night I had a full-on, kissing sex dream. I saw Horatio Sanz in an elevator and told him to come up to my apartment. He was like "Oh, yeah!" (cuz he was still fat then. And because this never really happened). Then I started worrying whether or not people would start calling me a star-fucker. Yeah... that's that star fucker... we hate her. 

Then we kissed and it was really gross, and I thought... I've never kissed an obese person... they're lips are just so... fat. So I told him I don't want to have sex with him anymore and he was really mean to me and told me I'm annoying and left wearing sandals he hadn't come in with.