Cat Show

This weekend I went to a cat show.  yep.  Think "Popovich Vegas Dog Show", (because everyone knows that reference and has probably seen it three times like I have) but with cats.  And way worse.  And even sadder.  And so stinky and gross you have to shower afterwards.  And then a box of rats is dumped on stage.

The best part is when the main woman had like a five minute monologue about how alone she is and how she has to eat standing up because she doesn't own any furniture.

I was the happiest I've ever been in a long time.  Watch....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MR3xZ-WshI

World,

I should make this blog private.  What was that called, zenga?  Is that just a live journal?  No, I don't want to do that either.

I just googled myself and horrible things came up.  Horrible might be too strong a word.  But I keep thinking this is a secret thing.  It is not.  Google knows everything now!  It's so scary!

And all I want to write about these days are things that would get me in trouble if the world saw them.   I only want to make fun of people from a safe distance...is that too much to ask?  I think the lesson here is "be a better person."  Only write about good things.  And nice things.  But I don't think I could do that if my life depended on it.  So I don't know....

I have a neck brace

Whats the point?  Life is meaningless...

I did it!!!

Insert: Sex and the City joke about TRUE LOVE:

I finally bought it!  It's the "Audrey."  Look at the beauty!   Look at it.  LOOK AT IT!  

I keep staring at it like it's a baby.

You must not know 'bout me you must not know 'bout me!

This is what I did at work today

Learned to use PHOOOTO SHOOOOOOOOPPPPPE!

I'm Going Back Back Back!

I didn't post for 15 days because I got depressed.... Should I try to post something for every day I missed.... Yes.  I think I will.  Procrastination, HERE I COME!!!

Alex Party!

Today, my personal stylist, Alex Reed came over and we went already-in-my-closet shopping!!! It was so much fun!  And this is coming from the girl that bought a bra the other day for the first time since 2009.  I hate shopping.  But I'm pitching a show to Nickelodeon about fashion, so I have to start trying to trick people into thinking I know about it/care at all.

(Singing): Cuttin' pants and makin' skirts shorter with scissors!  Gonna wear things I usually wouldn't and have lots of fun and look like a cool person!  Gonna wear these pants that only Asian girls can pull off.. and not feel stupid! doo doo doo doo!!!!

These dummies

Duncan Riddel, novelist.  Seth Whietberg, not how you spell his name.

I.  Hate.  Selfies.  Just ask someone to take a fucking picture for you!  This is going to be my swan song.

I recently went on a date I was really excited about because it was with a non-actor (score!) and was quickly dejected when the first thing he said was "I just meditated for two hours."  That's where we're starting?  Okay.  Here we got.

ADORABLE!!!!

Aren't these girls so cute you want to barf!!!  They play the girl's "friends" on the show I work on.  And they are so flipping cute.  I just want to babysit them, even though they are way too old for that.  So instead I want to like, corner them while smoking a cigar and be like, (OLD MAN'S VOICE) "Kids... youth... it doesn't last forever... always wear a bra and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS BUSINESS.  Be yourself and wear a bra, I can't stress that enough... (Creepy smoker's cough).  Now run along... Mama's got to go on a Tinder date..."

Little Known Facts... Tiki Bars are Actually WWII Fever Dreams!

Have you ever wondered where exactly the term "tiki bar" came from?  Well, if you're like me (a voracious student in the world of truth) you wonder about people's cultures from time to time, because you never think about yourself.  The other day, I asked a very learn-ed "mixologist" about the origins of "tiki."  What I learned was amazing.  It's actually not based on any specific culture or country.  It's basically a World War Two fighter's PTSD rearing its old ugly head.
See... (Don't worry, I'm a scholar.  I enjoy scholarly pursuits).... When the WWII soldiers came back from the Pacific Theatre, the only good memories they had of the war was going to bars when not on Active Duty Nights.   So they tried to re-create those beach-y, Pacific-y bars they drank their WWII-y sorrows away at here in America.  But of course, we didn't have bamboo or beach prostitutes, so they kind of had to make it up as they went.  At so... because of WWII.... we have the American "Tiki Bar."

You're welcome.



PS.  This is the drink I was drinking (by a certified 'tiki mixologist'--blow me--) while listening to the history I stated above.  Probably 100% correctly.

The Chartreuse swizzle1.25 oz green chartreuse
.75 oz velvet falernum
.5 oz lime juice
1 oz pineapple juice
Crushed ice
Grated Nutmeg on top
Spanked mint sprig

From the app this guy invented called "Tiki Plus".  If you're having a tiki party, he suggests you make these two drinks: 151 swizzle or Cobra's fang.

Why did the font get so big?  I can't stop it...

I'm never going to make any of these.