Last night I had a dream that I had testicular cancer. 

That is all.

Some Things You Probably Didn't Know About French Weddings

• They last until 5:00 AM. 
• At 5:00 AM, to revive you from all the dancing, you are brought french onion soup. This is, apparently, the norm. 
• THERE IS NO CRYING IN WEDDINGS. Like, no tears. Don't get too moved by the love being celebrated before you, because the French will all think there is something wrong with you. 
• The wedding party are not bridesmaids and groomsmen, but witnesses. 
• No one has to dress alike. 
• Not a priest, but the Mayor weds you. And he gives you a present from all in the city!
• There is a good hour in between each event (i.e. the ceremony, the cocktails, the dinner) in order for people to stand around and smoke and chat. Americas should be warned to chill the fuck out. Because there is going to be a lot of standing around and being French and loving life. (See picture above of the (very) French guy lounging with his lover.)  There's no rush, you American bastarts. 
• You're not really supposed to "catch" the bouquet. You're supposed to pretend to want to, but then move out of the way in order for it to fall on the floor. Wherein you then all politely smile at it, and someone (preferably the rude American that is annoyed at how polite everyone is being) picks it up and yells triumphantly. 
• After the dancing at 5:00 you go stay in a castle. What? A castle? Yes. A castle. And no one will tell you that you're staying in a castle. They'll just say, "Yeah, there's a room for you the night of the wedding." And they fail to mention that it's in a beautiful CASTLE. 
• You are called to the dinner table not by the over excited bride's mother yelling over everyone, but by the adorableness running around that is this :

• POWER POINTS. The French LOVE power points at weddings. There are generally at least 3. All of which start with the bride or groom "as babies," and the guests are told the story of their life through pictures accompanied with bizarre half-joking talk bubbles.
• There is not a full, gluttonous bar where you can get any alcoholic beverage you want. There is champagne. FROM the region of champagne. Only champagne. What else would you drink at a wedding? 
• Little French boys wear top hats. 

Note to self: Fall in love with a French guy so you can have little French boy babies that wear top hats.

Andy Dick Lives Across the Hall From Me

At first I just thought he had friends that lived there. Then I started to see him at all times of the day. Then I heard him talking about renting the newly opened two bedroom. So he definitely is there. We make eye contact when I'm sitting on my porch that looks directly at his porch. Outside my bedroom that looks directly into his bedroom. And vice versa. I should be used to it by now, but still, every time I see him I start shaking like a toy dog that is made to guest star on a talk show. Just like, little tiny, quick, terrifying shakes that give you a stomach ache. 

See what I mean.....?

Eh. My tummy.