Last night I had a dream that I had testicular cancer. 

That is all.

Some Things You Probably Didn't Know About French Weddings

• They last until 5:00 AM. 
• At 5:00 AM, to revive you from all the dancing, you are brought french onion soup. This is, apparently, the norm. 
• THERE IS NO CRYING IN WEDDINGS. Like, no tears. Don't get too moved by the love being celebrated before you, because the French will all think there is something wrong with you. 
• The wedding party are not bridesmaids and groomsmen, but witnesses. 
• No one has to dress alike. 
• Not a priest, but the Mayor weds you. And he gives you a present from all in the city!
• There is a good hour in between each event (i.e. the ceremony, the cocktails, the dinner) in order for people to stand around and smoke and chat. Americas should be warned to chill the fuck out. Because there is going to be a lot of standing around and being French and loving life. (See picture above of the (very) French guy lounging with his lover.)  There's no rush, you American bastarts. 
• You're not really supposed to "catch" the bouquet. You're supposed to pretend to want to, but then move out of the way in order for it to fall on the floor. Wherein you then all politely smile at it, and someone (preferably the rude American that is annoyed at how polite everyone is being) picks it up and yells triumphantly. 
• After the dancing at 5:00 you go stay in a castle. What? A castle? Yes. A castle. And no one will tell you that you're staying in a castle. They'll just say, "Yeah, there's a room for you the night of the wedding." And they fail to mention that it's in a beautiful CASTLE. 
• You are called to the dinner table not by the over excited bride's mother yelling over everyone, but by the adorableness running around that is this :

• POWER POINTS. The French LOVE power points at weddings. There are generally at least 3. All of which start with the bride or groom "as babies," and the guests are told the story of their life through pictures accompanied with bizarre half-joking talk bubbles.
• There is not a full, gluttonous bar where you can get any alcoholic beverage you want. There is champagne. FROM the region of champagne. Only champagne. What else would you drink at a wedding? 
• Little French boys wear top hats. 

Note to self: Fall in love with a French guy so you can have little French boy babies that wear top hats.

Andy Dick Lives Across the Hall From Me

At first I just thought he had friends that lived there. Then I started to see him at all times of the day. Then I heard him talking about renting the newly opened two bedroom. So he definitely is there. We make eye contact when I'm sitting on my porch that looks directly at his porch. Outside my bedroom that looks directly into his bedroom. And vice versa. I should be used to it by now, but still, every time I see him I start shaking like a toy dog that is made to guest star on a talk show. Just like, little tiny, quick, terrifying shakes that give you a stomach ache. 

See what I mean.....?

Eh. My tummy.

A Joke I Wrote Got On A Funny Website Made For Funny Things!

CLICK THIS TO GO TO THE WEBSITE AND THE JOKE I WROTE WILL POP UP, WAIT, I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THAT WHEN YOU CLICK A LINK IT WILL TAKE YOU TO WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER REALIZED YOU CAN TYPE A DIFFERENT THING IN THIS SPACE AND IT WILL STILL TAKE YOU TO THE WEBSITE I AM TALKING ABOUT. LEARNING! OH, MAN. IF I WAS A 5TH GRADE TEACHER, MY CATCH PHRASE WOULD BE "LEARNING!" LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN'S "WINNING!" MAN... NEXT LIFE, YEAGER. NEXT LIFE.

Has anyone ever tried to Blackface a dog...?

Historical Houses

This is the living room in the historical landmark, The Boddy House, nestled in Descanso Gardens; a beautiful, botanical garden (do NOT call it a park!) in the hills of La Canada.
I'm a temp now. And I am temping at said garden.
One of the many, difficult tasks a temp does on an average day at the garden is "man the Boddy House." Which means we are in charge of standing in the tiny house and making sure no one steals stuff. It's like a security guard position, but you are only a temp security guard, so it is just that much sadder. OH! And I temp alongside high school girls who are doing this just to get hours for their very rich, white charity organization. So I'm a fake security guard whose co-workers talk about the illusive nature of a hand job.

Here is what I do not understand about "historical landmarks" like this... everything. All the full-time workers here treat it like the original copy of The Constitution, and I totally understand that, except for the fact that there is absolutely nothing remarkable about this place. When I was given my first tour I had to force "oohs!" and "wooww what a nice sofa!" because everyone was treating it like it really was a magnificent place? But it isn't! Look at this picture! Those are ugly satin drapes one would see in the home of a widowed Egyptian living in Pasadena! And this room is REALLY photogenic. It is really small. Like the size of my studio small. It honestly looks like every living room in San Marino. Except for the fact the owner was rich and bought 160 acres of mountain land in La Canyada. We are supposed to memorize lots of facts about the house for the visitors. I go, "Okay! Time to brush up!" and they leave and I throw the binder in the closet... cut to.."Insane in the membrane! Insane in the brain!" (imagine the birthday party scene that is the straw that breaks Sally Feild's back in Mrs. Doubtfire). That's me in the Boddy house.
It's just so stupid!!! The facts are not interesting at all!! Who puts time into this!!?!?! Wait, me.

Dad Braff