Uh Oh

I forgot to post today...

Oh Hell No

I'm so pissed. Just realized my last two posts disappeared.

This is only going to make sense to me, because the last post was a love letter to my blog ("... Ima take care of you, baby. Now show me that smile..."), but FUCK YOU BLOG!  I whole heartedly take back that extremely long love letter I wrote you that no one saw. You know what else no one is going to see?  Your SCREAM.  

If I EVER see you deleting giant genius quips from me again, you are never goin to see the light of day. You know what else you're not going to see? Your face without it bleeding. Ever.

No Sincerery,

Your Master and Commander 

This picture was much more appropriate for the last post.  Fuck you blog.

Gange

I decided I'm going to get really into weed. I'm going to be a pot head.

Those of you know know me know weed makes me terrified of the world around me, and stay inside our hotel room in LS Vegas by myself all day because I'm too afraid to leave it after one hit. But all that's gonna change! I'm gonna force myself to become a certified stoner.

I went out today and got these things:

Stole weed from y dad

"Pardon me sir, but what rolling papers are the best to smoke some chronic?"

"That's a dumb question."

"I'll take the lot!"

Stole weed from my father. #winning

"Yoda O.G."  weed. What does that mean?!  Who is the original gangster in this context?!!! The weed?  Is it a classic brand of weed?  Or is yoda an original gangster? Which makes a little bit of sense, but certainly not in relationship to  weed?  What is OG???!!!!

And googled "how to roll a joint" videos.  This guy's friends would be really, really disappointed in him if they knew he was a part of that...

Let's light this doobie up with something 

Fittingly cool... Matches from Sardies... And get this par-Tay started!!! Woooo!!! Oh my god everyone is trying to kill me....

Zack fell asleep and I did voodoo on him...

Don't let him find out!!!

1602

I was feelin very confident because i was wearing my always cool SINGLE EARRING:

Brought to you by THE Sasha Raether.  Seriously, whenever I feel unsafe... I wear the single earring. I feel like it throws people off.  In a good way. 

Anyway, I was at this bar tonight:

And the bartender was a multicultural man named Carl (confusing), and he said how annoyed he was at his name. And I was like..."Just tell people you're named after Carl Weathers.  People will respect that shit!" And he told me the real reason he was embarrassed was because his parents are Jamican. And because they named him "Carl," this gives him no cool Jamaican street cred.

I felt so bad for him, I did my Jamaican accent I learned from  a casset tape I bought at Samuel French in the 7th grade.

It sounds very similar to my "voodoo priestess" accent I did I. New Orleans.

Needles to say, I did not get a free drink that night.

And This

A sign for classes for Jews on how to be a Jew.  

Can't tell what's in the pictures in the hourglass? Here's a close up:

A young man, in our crazy cosmopolitan day and age, not sure how to be a Jew!

And the days of his grandparents:

When they just sang musicals all day.

There is literally a fiddler on their roof.

I feel like this add for Jews by Jews is anti-Semitic....

Espanol

I work for my mom (designer for the stars) sometimes. Today I went to a doctor's house to help load old furniture into a Salvation Army truck. (Which is the charity we're not supposed to like because they love George Bush and hate gays? Salvation Army?  Or is it Goodwill? I forgot. Instead of simply looking it up, I won't support any of them and throw my perfectly good things in the trash. Nay! Better yet! I'll buy new clothes, and immediately ask the employee that just rang me up to throw them in their little waste basket.  "Make sure I SEE you pour that Mountain Dew on those capris..." Take that, Bush administration!)

Where was I?

Oh. The worker men were Latino.

I asked either of them if they spoke Spanish.

White people, when you ask things like that, do you ever feel like the ethnic person kind of braces themselves?  I've noticed this.  I see in their eyes that they all too well know I'm going to say somethig really ignorant or offensive.  Which is probably because that  is usually the case.  I could feel them being used to it; that I was a dumb gringo ready to say something just so painfully rude.  Little did they know who they were talking to... Mackenzie... The famous blogger who specializes in World Peace and equality.  Little did they know what cultural barrieres I was about to break...

"Do either of you speak Spanish?"

"....yes."

"How do you say watermelon?"

"............Sandia..."

"Thanks!"

Pause.

"... Why?"

"Well, right before I woke up in my dream, I said to someone, I don't know who, 'Como se dice watermelon?' And I just had to find out!"

"Okay. Can we go now?"

Breaking. Down. Barriers.