Alex Party!

Today, my personal stylist, Alex Reed came over and we went already-in-my-closet shopping!!! It was so much fun!  And this is coming from the girl that bought a bra the other day for the first time since 2009.  I hate shopping.  But I'm pitching a show to Nickelodeon about fashion, so I have to start trying to trick people into thinking I know about it/care at all.

(Singing): Cuttin' pants and makin' skirts shorter with scissors!  Gonna wear things I usually wouldn't and have lots of fun and look like a cool person!  Gonna wear these pants that only Asian girls can pull off.. and not feel stupid! doo doo doo doo!!!!

These dummies

Duncan Riddel, novelist.  Seth Whietberg, not how you spell his name.

I.  Hate.  Selfies.  Just ask someone to take a fucking picture for you!  This is going to be my swan song.

I recently went on a date I was really excited about because it was with a non-actor (score!) and was quickly dejected when the first thing he said was "I just meditated for two hours."  That's where we're starting?  Okay.  Here we got.

ADORABLE!!!!

Aren't these girls so cute you want to barf!!!  They play the girl's "friends" on the show I work on.  And they are so flipping cute.  I just want to babysit them, even though they are way too old for that.  So instead I want to like, corner them while smoking a cigar and be like, (OLD MAN'S VOICE) "Kids... youth... it doesn't last forever... always wear a bra and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS BUSINESS.  Be yourself and wear a bra, I can't stress that enough... (Creepy smoker's cough).  Now run along... Mama's got to go on a Tinder date..."

Little Known Facts... Tiki Bars are Actually WWII Fever Dreams!

Have you ever wondered where exactly the term "tiki bar" came from?  Well, if you're like me (a voracious student in the world of truth) you wonder about people's cultures from time to time, because you never think about yourself.  The other day, I asked a very learn-ed "mixologist" about the origins of "tiki."  What I learned was amazing.  It's actually not based on any specific culture or country.  It's basically a World War Two fighter's PTSD rearing its old ugly head.
See... (Don't worry, I'm a scholar.  I enjoy scholarly pursuits).... When the WWII soldiers came back from the Pacific Theatre, the only good memories they had of the war was going to bars when not on Active Duty Nights.   So they tried to re-create those beach-y, Pacific-y bars they drank their WWII-y sorrows away at here in America.  But of course, we didn't have bamboo or beach prostitutes, so they kind of had to make it up as they went.  At so... because of WWII.... we have the American "Tiki Bar."

You're welcome.



PS.  This is the drink I was drinking (by a certified 'tiki mixologist'--blow me--) while listening to the history I stated above.  Probably 100% correctly.

The Chartreuse swizzle1.25 oz green chartreuse
.75 oz velvet falernum
.5 oz lime juice
1 oz pineapple juice
Crushed ice
Grated Nutmeg on top
Spanked mint sprig

From the app this guy invented called "Tiki Plus".  If you're having a tiki party, he suggests you make these two drinks: 151 swizzle or Cobra's fang.

Why did the font get so big?  I can't stop it...

I'm never going to make any of these.

Kids Choice Awards

Was not at all what I thought it would be.  My date was Andy Hill, who wore a suit and I wore a nice dress and a hair-do.  We stood out.  The dress code was more like this:

Kids gave us weird looks.  Is that a famous person?  Nah. 

We barely even got to see the orange carpet!  GOING TO BE!

And the kids on the carpet and presenting/on the program made me sad and confused.  Because they were little girls that dressed like this!!!  You are 13!  Nooooo!

This was our favorite guy.  He was making Zoolander faces.  We didn't know anyone.

Oh wait... we did know this guy!  He wasn't presenting or anything.  He was just there.  I guess.  I'm really proud that I saw him like a block away, and just the back of him.  And was like, "ANDY IT'S DAVID HASSLEHOFF."  And it was.  Why are you at the kid's choice awards, David?

Look how our kids dressed!  They look like kids!  Ours are the best.

The very best part was Chris Rock and Adam Sandler.  They both, I guess, have been there a billion times and you could tell their speeches were there to make each other laugh.  Chris Rock made the confused audience of ten year olds chant "Grown Ups 3!" Over and over.  It was really funny.  And Adam Sandler had everyone "repeat after me" just nonsense for a very long time.  And then little balls dropped from the ceiling?  And he was like, "Is that it?  I'm confused.  This is pretty lame."  

Twas funny. 

But mostly weird.

Fireman

I saw the best play I've ever seen in LA last weekend.  It's called "The Fireman" at The Echo Theatre.
It's a wonderful play I won't say too much about because I don't want to spoil anything.  I will say that it's by far the best acting I've seen in LA, with an incredibly performance by a 20 year-old playing an 8th grader that was the most believable thing I've ever seen.  It is a wonderful, twisted piece of writing.

Go see it:
http://echotheatercompany.com/