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Something I just thought:

"I can't wait for Tina Fey to get really old so I can talk to her."

Marriage

The thing that terrifies me most about marriage isn't the commitment or the giant decisions or the starting of a new life.  The thing that scares me the most is the ceremony.  The more people I invite, and the bigger deal I make out of it, the more I'll be embarrassed when I get a divorce.  

Dad's Jokes - 1987

My sister just found a clip of my dad telling jokes at The Improv in 1987.   The best part is he was introduced by Gary Coleman who opened with very, very long airport jokes.  When he finally got to the punchline of the first one, the joke was "I have a lot of leg room."

And with that, here are the best Dad jokes:

"My friend just bought a new dog.  It's half pitbull, half collie.  So it will attack someone then immediately go for help."

"There was a time period when my dad and I dressed exactly the same.  I'm not exactly sure why.  It could be because we were in prison."

"My dad has the worst toupees.  They have a chin strap."

And then some others about fax machines.

"We, too, are Stardust" - Gaarder

Where do you go to talk about philosophy?  It seems as impossible to find a group of people I can ask questions with than it is to answer them.

I didn't go to school for anything remotely intellectual, so I have no friends of that sort.  Where do I find people who will answer my questions?   Who will also want to sit in my apartment and drink wine and admit they don't know the answers, either?  I've wondered this my whole life.  In high school, I thought they were in college.  In college, I thought they were sprinkled throughout artistic collectives such as theatre companies.  I'm sure they are, yet I have not found any of these people.  I see them on interviews on my computer.  Do you have to be rich and famous to meet these people?  It seems like you do.  I'm pretty sure I do.  You must find success in the material world to be heard in the immaterial.... How ironic.

Why Friends with Benefits Doesn't Work

The myriad rom-coms with this plot, or, "emotional spine" to use a word from work, always have the same moral.  According to these movies, the FwB relationship never works because one person will inherently start having feels for the other.  (Note to self: write a FwB rom-com that's really serious and someone dies at the end).  And most conversations I have with friends come to the same conclusion, even though most people I know haven't been in this situation for too long. I have, and I will tell you why it doesn't work.  It's not that the feelings get in the way, it's that there's no tenable expiration date.   You cannot just "break up" with a friend because it's not working out.  I think most people would agree with me that break ups with really close friends are harder and more painful than romantic relationships that come to an end.  Usually, a break up with a good friend is because of something big.  Two people get into such a big fight, or one does something that hurts the other so much their years and years of friendship are torn asunder.  ("Don't say 'torn asunder.'"  "It's the only word I can think of!"  "People are going to think you're pretentious."  "I'M NOT PRETENTIOUS BECAUSE I CAN ONLY THINK In my opinion, good friendships have to really blow-up to completely break-up.  But romantic relationships don't have to.  At least, what I've seen, they fade away, or start becoming serious and one isn't as into another as much, so they break it off so as not to hurt the other.  There's a logical ebb and flow.

I guess what I'm saying that I initially thought was really interesting is not unique at all - I think I'm simply saying people need boundaries.  I'm a relatively relaxed person when it comes to relationships.  But without boundaries, this conversation happens over and over and over  from both parties:
"Hey, I think we're getting too serious.   I can sense you're developing feelings for me."
"No I'm not."
"Oh, okay...  Are you sure?"
"I'm sure.  I think if we would have dated ever, I'd be bored with you by like the third date."
"That's really mean."
"No it's not!  I'm just saying the truth!  It's not like we're dating, so that isn't the case!"
"Okay."
Silence. Wait two weeks.  Have the same conversation, rinse, repeat.

I think I need to date a mime.  God, we'd never fight.  But he'd pretend to hang himself a lot.

PS.  How gross is this poster!?  Ew!  

A Real Page in a Real Packet we Received at Work

That Last Post Gave Me a Joke Idea:

1840,  Russia. 

Four men sit together in an ale house. 

Haggard Russian #1: You guys remember the days when we would ask a question... and we didn't have the answer right in front of us?

Haggard Russian #2: Yes, yes.  You had to go home to your encyclopedias, or ask around to your smartest friends. 

Haggard Russian #1: Life was so much harder then before we met our new friend.  Now we just ask Gogol.

Gogol, the 4th man, shrugs.

Haggard Russian #3: The man knows everything. 

Boring Technology Thoughts

I won't bore you with all the "how our brains are changing because of cell phones and constant information!!!" observations.  I just simply want to say that I re-read all the Harry Potters recently, and it struck me as so sad that had those books been written just five years later, all the wizards would have cell phones.  With all their magic they posses, their only mode of communication was owl letters (very primitive  or both you and the person you needed to connect with had to be in front of fire to talk.   I'm glad J.K. decided to not even include cell phones in her later books, even though every kid had them by then.  Seriously, every major moment in that book could have been prevented had they had text messages.  How are wonderful stories going to be told anymore?  What are going to happen to all the merry mishaps?  They are so easily avoidable in this constantly connected world.... it makes me sad.

I also constantly wonder if other people have the ONE thing they've thought of since they were little on the subject of "what if people back then had what we have now."  Because I've had the same one since third grade.  Mine is... the Nurse or the Friar could have called Romeo and told him "She's just pretending."  That's always what I think of.  Which makes no sense.  Because they never lived.

Stand-Ups

What I hate.  Maybe more than anything in the world.  Maybe more than the movie "Wedding Crashers."  Is sitting in the audience of a comedy club, listening to a comedian telling a "dirty joke" you've heard 100,000 times, and they get mad at you because they assume you're not laughing because you're a prude or insulted.  And not because it's just not funny, stupid, unoriginal.  My jaw shakes in rage just thinking about it.
No, I can't say any more on this topic because I'm too mad just thinking about it.  I should also note that I haven't seen a comedy show since like, November.  It's still rattling in me.

Dead Squirrels

I think a out this all the time.  Why don't you see dead squirrels around that died of natural causes?  The ones that, old and wise, sitting on a branch.... Pass in the wind.  Their eyes close and having led a full life... They fall from their branch, and tumble to the ground.... Completely at peace.  I've never seen a squirrel not dead from its skull crushing under the weight of a vehicle or it's innards ripped to shreds by a wild dog.

Get on that, Ellen.