Working at Paramount

Behind our offices there is a fake creepy alley.  Like windows that are painted to look broken and rusty and weird shops that say "Get your locks here."  NCSI is right next to us on the lot, so I assume every time I am squeezing past camera ops to get to work they are shooting a scene for NCSI.  LL Cool Jay is always there and his face is like a baby's.  But not this time.  At lunch today,  I was trying to get by and they were filming something really small.  Only like a couple lights and a couple crew dudes.  As I was about to pass through the scene after "cut" was yelled, a prop guy said,
Dude: Watch out for the cum.
Me: The what???
Dude:  The cum.  There's cum everywhere.  We're shooting with a lot of cum.

I was positive I must have misheard this guy, until I saw the man they were filming, this dude with nothing but underwear on.  I am sure I did not miss hear him.

...

Something I just thought:

"I can't wait for Tina Fey to get really old so I can talk to her."

Marriage

The thing that terrifies me most about marriage isn't the commitment or the giant decisions or the starting of a new life.  The thing that scares me the most is the ceremony.  The more people I invite, and the bigger deal I make out of it, the more I'll be embarrassed when I get a divorce.  

Dad's Jokes - 1987

My sister just found a clip of my dad telling jokes at The Improv in 1987.   The best part is he was introduced by Gary Coleman who opened with very, very long airport jokes.  When he finally got to the punchline of the first one, the joke was "I have a lot of leg room."

And with that, here are the best Dad jokes:

"My friend just bought a new dog.  It's half pitbull, half collie.  So it will attack someone then immediately go for help."

"There was a time period when my dad and I dressed exactly the same.  I'm not exactly sure why.  It could be because we were in prison."

"My dad has the worst toupees.  They have a chin strap."

And then some others about fax machines.

"We, too, are Stardust" - Gaarder

Where do you go to talk about philosophy?  It seems as impossible to find a group of people I can ask questions with than it is to answer them.

I didn't go to school for anything remotely intellectual, so I have no friends of that sort.  Where do I find people who will answer my questions?   Who will also want to sit in my apartment and drink wine and admit they don't know the answers, either?  I've wondered this my whole life.  In high school, I thought they were in college.  In college, I thought they were sprinkled throughout artistic collectives such as theatre companies.  I'm sure they are, yet I have not found any of these people.  I see them on interviews on my computer.  Do you have to be rich and famous to meet these people?  It seems like you do.  I'm pretty sure I do.  You must find success in the material world to be heard in the immaterial.... How ironic.

Why Friends with Benefits Doesn't Work

The myriad rom-coms with this plot, or, "emotional spine" to use a word from work, always have the same moral.  According to these movies, the FwB relationship never works because one person will inherently start having feels for the other.  (Note to self: write a FwB rom-com that's really serious and someone dies at the end).  And most conversations I have with friends come to the same conclusion, even though most people I know haven't been in this situation for too long. I have, and I will tell you why it doesn't work.  It's not that the feelings get in the way, it's that there's no tenable expiration date.   You cannot just "break up" with a friend because it's not working out.  I think most people would agree with me that break ups with really close friends are harder and more painful than romantic relationships that come to an end.  Usually, a break up with a good friend is because of something big.  Two people get into such a big fight, or one does something that hurts the other so much their years and years of friendship are torn asunder.  ("Don't say 'torn asunder.'"  "It's the only word I can think of!"  "People are going to think you're pretentious."  "I'M NOT PRETENTIOUS BECAUSE I CAN ONLY THINK In my opinion, good friendships have to really blow-up to completely break-up.  But romantic relationships don't have to.  At least, what I've seen, they fade away, or start becoming serious and one isn't as into another as much, so they break it off so as not to hurt the other.  There's a logical ebb and flow.

I guess what I'm saying that I initially thought was really interesting is not unique at all - I think I'm simply saying people need boundaries.  I'm a relatively relaxed person when it comes to relationships.  But without boundaries, this conversation happens over and over and over  from both parties:
"Hey, I think we're getting too serious.   I can sense you're developing feelings for me."
"No I'm not."
"Oh, okay...  Are you sure?"
"I'm sure.  I think if we would have dated ever, I'd be bored with you by like the third date."
"That's really mean."
"No it's not!  I'm just saying the truth!  It's not like we're dating, so that isn't the case!"
"Okay."
Silence. Wait two weeks.  Have the same conversation, rinse, repeat.

I think I need to date a mime.  God, we'd never fight.  But he'd pretend to hang himself a lot.

PS.  How gross is this poster!?  Ew!  

A Real Page in a Real Packet we Received at Work