The American Federation of Musicians Part II

So I moved up the ranks real quick here. I went from researcher (Loser posish-) to the Head Hancho's personal assistant. Which was a really rewarding experience, because he is 90 years-old and wears a fedora every day.  And he says things like,

Dick: "Mackenzie, will you order me some tortellini? Some good tortellini?"
Me: "Yeah, sure, Dick. From where?"
Dick:"Eh, I dunno. Look some places up in the phone book."
Wow. Phone book. How fun is this?!
Things got better from there.

Dick would ask me into his office, close the door, and speak in a hushed voice about this... business we had to take care of. Like he was suddenly Robert DeNiro in those flashback scenes from The Godfather Part II. And he'd talk about all the lawyers ("the weasels!") that we were gonna "stick it to." These lawyers' names were always equally as bizarre as everything else surrounding me. They were like "Zucky" or "Birdie."

What we were exactly doing in these secret, DeNiro-meetings was trying to catch the evil, twisty-mustached lawyers that, say, ran the MTV Music Video Awards and found loop-holes in the contracts in order to not pay the show's musicians their union wage. And the sad thing is, is that these evil MTV lawyers usually get away with it... because the only people in charge of catching these bad guys... were me and this guy:

Aw. Dick. I miss him.
Goddam MTV and really, everyone else in showbusiness who tries to pull one over on this guy who's been in the business before you were in dipers!!! He JUST wants some tortellini, god damnit.

Don't you think this guy deserves his fucking union wage for playing behind Rhiana for 300 screaming children!?!?

This is literally a headshot of one of the musicians in our office. I fucking love this job. 

The American Federation of Musicians: Part I

Oh, you've never heard of the American Federation of Musicians? Well, that's funny! It's exactly like SAG for actors. Or the WGA for writers! The AFM is for musicians. But why have you never heard of it? Oh, I'll tell you why. Over a series of blog posts.

This was my most recent temp assignment I performed in. And I was amazing at it. Like my usual temp work. Within two months there I moved up the ranks faster than Monica Luenski ran up... uh, shut up, Mackenzie. I just did it real fast. Because, apparently, I'm an amazing temp. I've been fired from many a job: waitress, hostess, personal assistant, intern, student, girlfriend... but I'm an AMAZING temp. I think it's because, now that I've seen the insides of a temp agency, I can safely say that most of these mousy people have been abused at some point. They're just so quiet and scared and wear weird shoes... I think someone must have hit them. Which is sad.... but... no one hit me, so I'm like, REALLY well liked.

Last night I had a dream that I had testicular cancer. 

That is all.

Some Things You Probably Didn't Know About French Weddings

• They last until 5:00 AM. 
• At 5:00 AM, to revive you from all the dancing, you are brought french onion soup. This is, apparently, the norm. 
• THERE IS NO CRYING IN WEDDINGS. Like, no tears. Don't get too moved by the love being celebrated before you, because the French will all think there is something wrong with you. 
• The wedding party are not bridesmaids and groomsmen, but witnesses. 
• No one has to dress alike. 
• Not a priest, but the Mayor weds you. And he gives you a present from all in the city!
• There is a good hour in between each event (i.e. the ceremony, the cocktails, the dinner) in order for people to stand around and smoke and chat. Americas should be warned to chill the fuck out. Because there is going to be a lot of standing around and being French and loving life. (See picture above of the (very) French guy lounging with his lover.)  There's no rush, you American bastarts. 
• You're not really supposed to "catch" the bouquet. You're supposed to pretend to want to, but then move out of the way in order for it to fall on the floor. Wherein you then all politely smile at it, and someone (preferably the rude American that is annoyed at how polite everyone is being) picks it up and yells triumphantly. 
• After the dancing at 5:00 you go stay in a castle. What? A castle? Yes. A castle. And no one will tell you that you're staying in a castle. They'll just say, "Yeah, there's a room for you the night of the wedding." And they fail to mention that it's in a beautiful CASTLE. 
• You are called to the dinner table not by the over excited bride's mother yelling over everyone, but by the adorableness running around that is this :

• POWER POINTS. The French LOVE power points at weddings. There are generally at least 3. All of which start with the bride or groom "as babies," and the guests are told the story of their life through pictures accompanied with bizarre half-joking talk bubbles.
• There is not a full, gluttonous bar where you can get any alcoholic beverage you want. There is champagne. FROM the region of champagne. Only champagne. What else would you drink at a wedding? 
• Little French boys wear top hats. 

Note to self: Fall in love with a French guy so you can have little French boy babies that wear top hats.

Andy Dick Lives Across the Hall From Me

At first I just thought he had friends that lived there. Then I started to see him at all times of the day. Then I heard him talking about renting the newly opened two bedroom. So he definitely is there. We make eye contact when I'm sitting on my porch that looks directly at his porch. Outside my bedroom that looks directly into his bedroom. And vice versa. I should be used to it by now, but still, every time I see him I start shaking like a toy dog that is made to guest star on a talk show. Just like, little tiny, quick, terrifying shakes that give you a stomach ache. 

See what I mean.....?

Eh. My tummy.

A Joke I Wrote Got On A Funny Website Made For Funny Things!

CLICK THIS TO GO TO THE WEBSITE AND THE JOKE I WROTE WILL POP UP, WAIT, I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THAT WHEN YOU CLICK A LINK IT WILL TAKE YOU TO WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER REALIZED YOU CAN TYPE A DIFFERENT THING IN THIS SPACE AND IT WILL STILL TAKE YOU TO THE WEBSITE I AM TALKING ABOUT. LEARNING! OH, MAN. IF I WAS A 5TH GRADE TEACHER, MY CATCH PHRASE WOULD BE "LEARNING!" LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN'S "WINNING!" MAN... NEXT LIFE, YEAGER. NEXT LIFE.

Has anyone ever tried to Blackface a dog...?