PSYCHOSIS 101

So excited! My pilot/webisode is almost done! Shooting the last scene this weekend. Then editing to make sure (a.k.a. force it to) make sense. Here are two stills:

This is Josh Dubose (Award winning improv team "King Ten") and Craig Cackowski ("Community, " "Workaholics") as cops. Tickling each other. With a feather.

I love them.

If the Protagonist in the Movie "Yes Man" was a Woman:

She would just be raped over and over. Think about it.


"Hey, Henry, you know Mrs. Miller down the street?"
"Kinda hot?"
"Yeah-yeah. Well, she has some magic spell cast over her where she has to say 'yes.' To. Everything. Always. Dude, I don't know why but I'm not going to think about it. Yesterday we boned like TWO times! And like, it's consentual, because she keeps saying yes, even though her eyes tell me no."
"No way!? I wish I could get my bone on! Too bad Debbie is kinda my wife and the mother of my children..."
"Nah, Bro, here's the beauty of it. You just say, 'and don't say anything to anyone,' and she's like (eyes dead) 'yes.'"
"This is the best thing to happen to men EVER!"
"I know, man. If only she was 13."
They high-five.
Yes Girl.

Talking to a Comedian:

Comic: So, I was doing my set last night, and like no one was laughing. The material was over their heads.
Me: What was the material?
Comic: Oh, I made some pretty good jokes about like, The O.C., and Gilmore Girls.

I didn't say this, but it prompted me to say
In My Head: Can you use the phrase "over one's head" when it's something as dumb as information regarding Gilmore Girls? Or something else equally inane? Is it truly "over your head?" Or is the phrasing more accurate if you said, "It was to the side of everyone's head. The jokes were like, coming at their head, then hit a barrier and just... scooted past the side."

Now I'm contemplating how to get everyone to start saying this... but now I'm deciding it will always sound like a joke on a joke, instead of a real concept we desperately need in our language. Desperately.

PS. I didn't know what picture to use for this "post" so I googled myself and I found this picture. I'm the one on the bottom in the extremely large men's leather jacket. I feel like my expression represents how vehemently into this argument I am.

I Went on a Walk and Saw TRIM SPA on the Ground

They were in a package and it looked like the pills had been run over by a car or two because they were cracked and in the middle of the road. I wondered how this opened package of trim spa got there. Because it was definitely opened, yet not of them had been consumed. I very much hoped that they weren't accidentally dropped, because
1. That would suck because I bet they're expensive

2. The story of her boyfriend driving her and she's in the passenger's seat opening them up and he's like, "hey baby, what's that... shit, is that some diet pill shit!? WTF are you doing! You know I love you the way you ARE, baby! I don't want NUTHIN to change about you, girl." And she softly starts to cry and he takes her face and kisses her and VIOLENTLY THROWS THEM OUT THE WINDOW- is much better to picture, and
3. If that was a larger woman who bought them, and she happened to accidentally drop them because she was walking down the street and FACE PLANTED, and all her shit went everywhere including her trim spa, and she was fat, that would be really sad. I hope no one laughed at her.

I went on a walk and these were things in my head:

An idea for a movie:
All the men in the whole world die. Women start realizing they don't understand how to define themselves and experiment with walking around naked and it seems really existential until someone finds Ryan Gossling... ALIVE. He had been cryogenically frozen. And because all the scientists are women now, science gets really good and goes really fast. So human cloning is created in a couple short months. Ryan Gossling is cloned so every woman who wants one gets one. Sometimes a group of Gosslings get together and write some songs that are really good and really sexy. It's called "The World According to Gossling."

Another idea for a movie:
Girl: I just want a boyfriend who I can watch TV with, and read at his house naked and chill out with and not have to talk. My ex came over once and was like "what are we gonna do" and I was like, chill, I just wanna file some files in my filing cabinets" and he like sighed. WAIT A MINUTE! I'M GONNA START A BLOG, (or something like that) EXPOSING AN EXPERIMENT I JUST INVENTED!
Then the girl tries living in this way that's like... she adds up how many hours a couple talks on their first date, second date, ect. And adds up how much a couple talks when they like, live together or are really close. And she decides that's just an inordinate amount of time talking and not saying anything worth saying.
So only goes on dates where she and her date are not allowed to talk. It starts something like this:
Girl: So I told him sure, I'll go to that Beck concert, but I don't want to talk to you the whole night.
Friend: omg that's retarded!
Girl: First of all, it's not retarded. Second of all, please don't say retarded, it's offensive and lazy. Third of all, I really love the word retarded. It's a great word with fun, hard consonants. But why does it have to mean people with down syndrome? Can't we collectively as a society decide it does NOT refer to the mentally handicapped? Like... I bet some of our modern words went through that progression... like I bet "being jipped" was originally something really offensive to someone. I'm just guessing. The other day I heard the word "picnic" was originated from fun outdoor galls where people would chose a slave to buy. Then enslave. Let's do that with "retarded."
I think the "Friend" probably left by now.
Anyway, everyone realizes if they talk A LOT less than they usually do, the world is a better place, and you can tell your chemistry with someone better and faster.
Movie. Idea.

VEGAS

On May 5, 2011, seven young women went to a prominent Vegas hotel to attend a pool party aptly named, "Surrender." When entering the vicinity, their purses were meticulously investigated by the security guards. Coin purses searched, advil bottles opened and dug through, cad berry eggs confiscated (choco-crackdown!)
Curious, one woman asked, "What are you looking for? What's the most common illegal substance smuggled in?" She was assuming something like ecstasy, thinking it would be easy to hide... it's a small pill? Or maybe it's powder stuck on some tape? Who knows; she assumed it was a smallish thing. The security woman looked at her dully, "Date Rape drugs. This place hosts a LOT of date rape." The woman asking the question was stunned and revolted, but her friends shrugged off the faint warning and barreled in, ready to "Surrender."

If you have never been to a hotel sponsored "Pool Party"in Vegas, conjure up this in your mind: the most violent display of flesh, lower back tattoos, and beefy, unattractive men leering at every leg that walks by in a "wedge," searching for the most unsteady legs. "Mmm, that girl in the gold bikini is about to fall down she's so drunk. I can't wait to go over and ask her what her name is and where she's from. Then maybe she'll fuck me. Or I'll drug her. Same thing."
Imagine a haven of rape. A pool, teeming with cultures of yeast infections and anal warts, floating innocently down the murky pool, awaiting its inevitable contact with a vagina and/or butthole. Guys. Vegas is so much fun.

The cluster of women went to the snack bar to get something to eat on May 5, 2011 at 1:00 PM. Things were slightly more expensive, because it's Vegas, but nothing too alarming. Until they spotted a "Chocolate Cookie." It was a slightly larger cookie, about a day old, wrapped in faded plastic. There was nothing too shocking about this meager cookie, until the eyes of the women tumbled down the hill of shock when noticing the price stated smugly on the right. $8. For one. Medium sized. Cookie. Baked and sold at the most filthy place on the planet.
This prompted one woman to think... WHO thought this was an honest price for a simple cookie? Mitt Romney? Hey-O!
(Note: This blog tries to steer clear of current, pop culture references because it believes itself timeless. When people read this blog in 20 years, they will understand and have emotional connections to each piece of genius commentary on one girl's life. However, the Mitt Romey joke stated above was just TOO FUNNY and highly original that it COULDN'T be tossed aside. And for those MackBlogMack purists, I am deeply sorry).

Guy in Line at Walgreens

There was something about this man's face. Then I saw what he was purchasing: Dark Chocolate Almonds. Not almonds dipped in dark chocolate, almonds that were chocolate flavored. Now look at his face again. Now think about chocolate flavored almonds. Now think about going to Walgreens specifically to get them. Now look at his face again. Sometimes, everything in the world makes sense.