I have a whole bunch of "maybes" in front of me in the writing-for-television-world. They are all slight maybes, but could very well lead to a JOB. I feel very comfortable handing people something I wrote and saying, "here, look at this. I'm a good writer. Give me a JOB." I'm comfortable saying this because I think I am very, very funny. You show me a hand full of 25-year-old women that are funny and I will show you I deserve to be in that group. (note to self: don't make that a saying).
Why just women, Mackenzie? You aren't funny enough to be compared to GUYS? Shut the fuck up, other Mackenzie, I'm less interested in this conversation than I am with people asking me how I feel about "Girls." I don't feel anything about "Girls"!!! Stop asking me about "Girls". I should make a webisode called "Stop asking me about 'Girls'." Things to do list...
No! SEE, THIS is the reason I don't have anything to hand over to people who may give me JOBS!?! Because I cannot for the life of me sit down and write a 30 minute multi-cam sitcom. I keep trying to do that, then I think... "What if everyone started using sting-can-phones instead of cell phones... what if that was a new retro-hipster thing to do..." I'm going to make a webisode about that. Where can I get some string?...
Mackenzie, this is a sitcom. It's not fucking rocket science. Your main characters don't have to be a manifestation of the Ego, Superego, and Id. (Oh, man, I was joking and now I want to do that). You don't need to start with a overarching theme of Man Vs. Himself, or Man vs. Mountain, or Man vs. Wayne Brady's improvisational singing abilities.
I talked with one of my dear friends Ike Holter (a wonderful, wonderful playwright whom I bet in a few years you will know his name!! - Fame) and he walked me through it. It's simple.
- It's a girl (me) that lives in L.A.
- It's set in a comedy/improv club (because that's where I spend all of my time)
- She wants to do stand up, but is too afraid (let's make her not like me, then ( because I'm afraid of NUTHIN!!! *Eats a piece of metal*)
- That is her main drive.
- But it gets complicated when she starts LiKINg A BOi! (why not let the main story line be her crush on a guy? It's simple to follow and will be fun/ easy to write. Don't over think it)
- She has a sassy best friend because Ike wants me to write a sassy best friend (I'm going to make it Ike... his real name in real life is actually Ike "Isaac" "Sassy" Holter.)
- The first driving action is that she finishes whatever training classes they have at the comedy club.
- The teacher says that she has a set next week because that's a thing.
- She's scared. But not terrified.
- Because she's going to get terrified later when her crush is in the audience!
Nope. I'm already lost and I don't have any desire to write this.
- See, this is hard, Mackenzie.
- It's not that hard you stupid idiot.
- This is why I don't get things done, because you call me things like a "stupid idiot."
- It's an endearing term... You know I don't actually think that you are stupid.
- You KNOW I'm stupid. MUST we bring up my 3 digit SAT scores again...
- Oh please, that's a test scoring how well you take a test. So you can't take tests. That's a good thing!! You think outside of the box...
- I fucking hate it when you start patronizing me like this.
- I'm not patronizing you...
- YOU'RE ITALICIZING EVERYTHING. OF COURSE THAT'S FUCKING PATRONIZATION!!!
- Look how smart you are, Mackenzie! You spelled "patronization" right on your first try.
- See. This is the reason. THIS is the reason I can't write a fucking 22 page sitcom. Because you're always in the way, making life miserable. You're like Hitler. I'm like a Jewish diamond seller who is JUST trying to do his job (sell diamonds) that he's had for the last mashugana-15 years in his same little store that his grandfather's grandfather owned, and then you come in, and Hitler-shit all over everything. I KNOW how to sell diamonds. Can you PLEASE just let me sell diamonds without putting me in a concentration camp? Is that so much to ask?!?!
....
Hello...?
.....
Hitler, are you listening?!?!.....
....
Wow... I think I just defeated........................................................................... myself.
- This essay was first seen in the Op-Ed section of The New Yorker, titled, "How To Write a Man vs. Man Story Brilliantly."
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