Cat Show

This weekend I went to a cat show.  yep.  Think "Popovich Vegas Dog Show", (because everyone knows that reference and has probably seen it three times like I have) but with cats.  And way worse.  And even sadder.  And so stinky and gross you have to shower afterwards.  And then a box of rats is dumped on stage.

The best part is when the main woman had like a five minute monologue about how alone she is and how she has to eat standing up because she doesn't own any furniture.

I was the happiest I've ever been in a long time.  Watch....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MR3xZ-WshI

World,

I should make this blog private.  What was that called, zenga?  Is that just a live journal?  No, I don't want to do that either.

I just googled myself and horrible things came up.  Horrible might be too strong a word.  But I keep thinking this is a secret thing.  It is not.  Google knows everything now!  It's so scary!

And all I want to write about these days are things that would get me in trouble if the world saw them.   I only want to make fun of people from a safe distance...is that too much to ask?  I think the lesson here is "be a better person."  Only write about good things.  And nice things.  But I don't think I could do that if my life depended on it.  So I don't know....

I have a neck brace

Whats the point?  Life is meaningless...

I did it!!!

Insert: Sex and the City joke about TRUE LOVE:

I finally bought it!  It's the "Audrey."  Look at the beauty!   Look at it.  LOOK AT IT!  

I keep staring at it like it's a baby.

You must not know 'bout me you must not know 'bout me!

This is what I did at work today

Learned to use PHOOOTO SHOOOOOOOOPPPPPE!

I'm Going Back Back Back!

I didn't post for 15 days because I got depressed.... Should I try to post something for every day I missed.... Yes.  I think I will.  Procrastination, HERE I COME!!!

Alex Party!

Today, my personal stylist, Alex Reed came over and we went already-in-my-closet shopping!!! It was so much fun!  And this is coming from the girl that bought a bra the other day for the first time since 2009.  I hate shopping.  But I'm pitching a show to Nickelodeon about fashion, so I have to start trying to trick people into thinking I know about it/care at all.

(Singing): Cuttin' pants and makin' skirts shorter with scissors!  Gonna wear things I usually wouldn't and have lots of fun and look like a cool person!  Gonna wear these pants that only Asian girls can pull off.. and not feel stupid! doo doo doo doo!!!!

These dummies

Duncan Riddel, novelist.  Seth Whietberg, not how you spell his name.

I.  Hate.  Selfies.  Just ask someone to take a fucking picture for you!  This is going to be my swan song.

I recently went on a date I was really excited about because it was with a non-actor (score!) and was quickly dejected when the first thing he said was "I just meditated for two hours."  That's where we're starting?  Okay.  Here we got.

ADORABLE!!!!

Aren't these girls so cute you want to barf!!!  They play the girl's "friends" on the show I work on.  And they are so flipping cute.  I just want to babysit them, even though they are way too old for that.  So instead I want to like, corner them while smoking a cigar and be like, (OLD MAN'S VOICE) "Kids... youth... it doesn't last forever... always wear a bra and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS BUSINESS.  Be yourself and wear a bra, I can't stress that enough... (Creepy smoker's cough).  Now run along... Mama's got to go on a Tinder date..."

Little Known Facts... Tiki Bars are Actually WWII Fever Dreams!

Have you ever wondered where exactly the term "tiki bar" came from?  Well, if you're like me (a voracious student in the world of truth) you wonder about people's cultures from time to time, because you never think about yourself.  The other day, I asked a very learn-ed "mixologist" about the origins of "tiki."  What I learned was amazing.  It's actually not based on any specific culture or country.  It's basically a World War Two fighter's PTSD rearing its old ugly head.
See... (Don't worry, I'm a scholar.  I enjoy scholarly pursuits).... When the WWII soldiers came back from the Pacific Theatre, the only good memories they had of the war was going to bars when not on Active Duty Nights.   So they tried to re-create those beach-y, Pacific-y bars they drank their WWII-y sorrows away at here in America.  But of course, we didn't have bamboo or beach prostitutes, so they kind of had to make it up as they went.  At so... because of WWII.... we have the American "Tiki Bar."

You're welcome.



PS.  This is the drink I was drinking (by a certified 'tiki mixologist'--blow me--) while listening to the history I stated above.  Probably 100% correctly.

The Chartreuse swizzle1.25 oz green chartreuse
.75 oz velvet falernum
.5 oz lime juice
1 oz pineapple juice
Crushed ice
Grated Nutmeg on top
Spanked mint sprig

From the app this guy invented called "Tiki Plus".  If you're having a tiki party, he suggests you make these two drinks: 151 swizzle or Cobra's fang.

Why did the font get so big?  I can't stop it...

I'm never going to make any of these.

Kids Choice Awards

Was not at all what I thought it would be.  My date was Andy Hill, who wore a suit and I wore a nice dress and a hair-do.  We stood out.  The dress code was more like this:

Kids gave us weird looks.  Is that a famous person?  Nah. 

We barely even got to see the orange carpet!  GOING TO BE!

And the kids on the carpet and presenting/on the program made me sad and confused.  Because they were little girls that dressed like this!!!  You are 13!  Nooooo!

This was our favorite guy.  He was making Zoolander faces.  We didn't know anyone.

Oh wait... we did know this guy!  He wasn't presenting or anything.  He was just there.  I guess.  I'm really proud that I saw him like a block away, and just the back of him.  And was like, "ANDY IT'S DAVID HASSLEHOFF."  And it was.  Why are you at the kid's choice awards, David?

Look how our kids dressed!  They look like kids!  Ours are the best.

The very best part was Chris Rock and Adam Sandler.  They both, I guess, have been there a billion times and you could tell their speeches were there to make each other laugh.  Chris Rock made the confused audience of ten year olds chant "Grown Ups 3!" Over and over.  It was really funny.  And Adam Sandler had everyone "repeat after me" just nonsense for a very long time.  And then little balls dropped from the ceiling?  And he was like, "Is that it?  I'm confused.  This is pretty lame."  

Twas funny. 

But mostly weird.

Fireman

I saw the best play I've ever seen in LA last weekend.  It's called "The Fireman" at The Echo Theatre.
It's a wonderful play I won't say too much about because I don't want to spoil anything.  I will say that it's by far the best acting I've seen in LA, with an incredibly performance by a 20 year-old playing an 8th grader that was the most believable thing I've ever seen.  It is a wonderful, twisted piece of writing.

Go see it:
http://echotheatercompany.com/

SWEET BAMBOO!

I received in the mail the best birthday present a girl could ever ask for...

chris diamantopoulos

Is our room guru.  "He's just such a handsome man."-Boyce

Saga!!!

If anyone is interested/curious about the world of comic books, read "Saga" by Brian K. Vahn and Fiona Staples.  My friends Gabe and Jonathan have been getting me into comic books.  I generally think the writing is boring and the humor is all the same.  A lot of like, cool girls saying SHIT!  It's lame.  But I'm finally getting into some comics because they're just so god damn creative.  I would suggest this one if you're in the mood to break out of your reading spell.  The artwork is wonderful and every page is interesting.  *I want to write one soon.

*I'm getting scary secretly egotistical... It's like I started thinking "I'm going to be a great writer one day"... and I can't stop thinking it!  Thankfully I have this blog to voice my opinions on how I secretly am obsessed with myself and then immediately despise myself.  Either way, the point of this is whenever I read these comic books I think, "I should write one.  I bet it will best the best one ever written."  Just like that.  I hate myself. 

Little Fork

If you want a nice, fun meal in Hollywood, I recommend "Little Fork" on Wilcox and Selma.   This is the chicken liver pate.  It sparkles!  How does it do that?!

I didn't eat it because it was disgusting. 

But look how pretty it is!

Little Fork. 

I Miss Public Transportation

I should start saying the reason I get drunk is so I can leave my car somewhere and have to take public transportation to go get it the next day.  It's just such a better way to live life.  Where else would I get to listen to these ethnically diverse, adorable 8th graders talk very loudly, without a care in the world to anyone listening around them, about their very interesting opinions on life?  I wish I would have remembered more of them:

"The government is the biggest mafia in the country.  It's just a mafia."

"Did you know, most countries in the world wouldn't exist without us?"

"My dog is soooooo stupid.  You wouldn't even believe it."

"China definitely wouldn't exist without us."

"Oh my God.  That street is called Mt. Olympus.  That's so weird.  It's just like, why?"

"I think we missed our stop."

Come On, Homeless

Uhhh.  The Studio City Adult Rascals are soooo annoying!  EVERY SINGLE MORNING there are several shopping carts parked around my car, most with purple-stained solo cups.  I've been living here for two years and it is literally every day.  So that means there is a group of homeless people wandering around town like...

Homeless Man 1: "Hey dudes, where we meeting tonight?"

Homeless Man 2: "Same place we meet every night!"

All Homeless Men: "Mackenzie Yeager's Volvo!  Wooo!"

Everyone reading this that thinks I'm being insensitive, you can suck it.  When I say "homeless," I'm not even meaning real homeless people.  Those people I'm down with.  They have legitimate problems.  The people I'm referring to are semi-homeless meth-heads that I do not feel bad for.  They are terrifying and scream at me and are scary.  Stop tweeking on my Volvo.