Isn't it Weird...

When you trip while you're alone and  naked....?

Smile

If ever you are on a quiz show and I'm your partner and we have to know adorable things about each other, you should know that the thing that makes me more mad than anything else in the entire world is when men tell me to smile. 

When you are a very tiny, young girl, complete strangers will tell you to smile ALL THE TIME. Whenever you are not skipping around looking happy to be alive, they will demand this of you. And if you're like me, consistently angry, this will happen to you more frequently. 

I never lash out at people when they upset me because it doesn't occur to me to do so. I totally would if I wasn't caught up in killing them in elaborate ways in my mind. While a group of skinny dogs watch and laugh. 

But when a man tells me to smile, I understand the phrase "it makes my blood boil." That's the feeling. Hot, hot anger. 

Why do they think they can do this? Why should my stroll down the street be about you, and what you want me to look like? It is the exact same thing as saying "Don't wear sweatpants. Wear a skirt."

And it's always the same type of man. Old, ugly and dumb. 

And here is what is probably behind the hatred I have for the entire male species I feel at these moments: I cannot win. There is NO way to respond. Because here are the two options:

1. I say, "Go fuck yourself." or "Why don't you smile, you fat piece of shit?" or "I will if you castrate yourself so their are less ugly, fat fucks on the planet?"  

I've never said any of these, but I have said things said similar to "Go Fuck yourself", or given le finger. And it will without a doubt, STILL make him win. Because he goes "Whoa, aren't we touchy!" Or something that means you are a crazy bitch. 

2. The second thing I can say is "I'm not going to smile because I don't feel like it, and it's not your place to tell me how I should be feeling at the moment." Then he'll get confused and I will have to launch into gender role equality sermon, which will make no sense to this man (see above: old and dumb), and I have no desire to talk to him or educate him. I have the desire to deeply shame him. And even if I DO say these things in a pleasant, docile way ("smile"), I can guarantee you this man will actually be thinking ohhh, you are one of those crazy feminist. God, feminists are so annoying. 

Maybe Amy Pohler knows the answer to this question. Yes. She definitely knows that to do. Tina Fey always says Amy is not afraid to leap down someone's throat when she is offended. Who do I know that can ask Amy Pohler what she does when male strangers command her to feel a certain way for their own pleasure? I bet her retort would raise the perfect balance of fear and shame.

(Fat) Horatio Sanz Sex Dream

Truth be told, there is never actually sex in my sex dreams. They consist of me and a man talking about whether or not we are going to have sex. Or, in one case, grocery shopping with Jeff Goldbloom as he tells me that he's thinking about maybe raping me. That's about as far as they go.

Last night I had a full-on, kissing sex dream. I saw Horatio Sanz in an elevator and told him to come up to my apartment. He was like "Oh, yeah!" (cuz he was still fat then. And because this never really happened). Then I started worrying whether or not people would start calling me a star-fucker. Yeah... that's that star fucker... we hate her. 

Then we kissed and it was really gross, and I thought... I've never kissed an obese person... they're lips are just so... fat. So I told him I don't want to have sex with him anymore and he was really mean to me and told me I'm annoying and left wearing sandals he hadn't come in with.

The Perfect Joke

I almost made the greatest joke the other day.
It would have been super elaborate, and probably super confusing, but in my mind... it would have been the perfect joke.

Last weekend I told the guy I've been in love with that I'm in love with him. It was a dramatic, Mufasa-falls-off-the-cliff-moment in my life. I'd put it on a life timeline if I were still in 4th grade. It wasn't that big of a deal to him. He was kind of underwhelmed by the moment. (I was having). Either way, we didn't get into it, but I'm 99.9% sure he doesn't feel the same way. (That .1% is sheer delusion, which, I believe, is healthy and means I have a soul).

The next day I'm at work. I work on a Nickelodeon show. If you've ever watched the network, you'd know that every episode of every show involves sliming, spilling, blasting, and all around messes. So we had a wedding episode the other day where, of course, the wedding cake gets thrown onto a character! So we had like 5 cartoonishly-giant wedding cakes laying around. At the end of the day, we still had one that wasn't smashed. The props guys begged for one of us to take it home. And I happen to be on my way to meet said guy I'm in love with at a bar with some other friends to play trivia....

Cue dream joke sequence:
What if I showed up with this 4 foot tall wedding cake and said to him...
"....I don't take no for an answer....."
or
".... It's now, or never, Len?..."
or--
The dream sequence went on so long that I didn't realize someone had already thrown away the cake.

PS. It should be noted that if the cake wouldn't have been thrown away, and this would have taken place, most of the people at the table, including Len (definitely his name), would be horrified, weirded out, and not think it was funny at all. He would probably get a restraining order on me. (Which would be hot). I just didn't want anyone reading this to think that I thought OTHER people would enjoy this joke. It was and will always be... just for me.

*Bird by Dragon

**

Two of the writers from the Nickelodeon show I work on took me to lunch the other day to tell me how to become a writer. It was the best conversation I've had about the writing process in years and years. I feel like for the past decade, I've been given the same advice about writing; write every day, be brave, read Syd Feild. And I cannot tell you how exhausting it becomes. But the rules and tips I hear usually are the same type of things that apply to like... baseball and Buddhism; they are fleeting and, though pretty, a bit obscure. You can't sink you're teeth into, "Write what scares you." It's more like... a vague idea that you could put on a coffee mug.

These guys, Jon and Gabe, gave me the simplest way to write a pilot spec. I will write it here so I don't forget it. And also, I might come upon this blog post ten years from now, when I'm in jail, and think, "Oh yeah, remember when I was trying to be a writer? How cute... I didn't kill my husband!!!"

AN INTERESTING WAY TO GO ABOUT SPEC WRITING:
1. Write down a list of every TV show on TV. Pick one of these out of a hat. This is the show you're writing.
(I got "Girls." Out of every show on television. That's funny. Not sure why).
2. Determine the "identity" of the show.
(Many shows have a "bread and butter" identity if you look closely).
3. Write down at least 50 ideas in which the shows' characters do something that fit this identity.
4. Watch the show and take notes. Determine the structure.
(Gabe's words on this: "Sometimes it can be as simple as an emotional structure, rather than a plot-type one.  Do episodes always start with a crisis?  Or do the end on a sad/down/bittersweet moment instead of a happy ending?  I remember big bang theory would often skip a traditional wrap-up and instead end at the funniest moment in the climax.")
5. Structure out 10 of the 50 ideas you have into an entire show.
6. Decide which one to write. And don't sacrifice character for jokes!
( I would never. I always do. Something to work on).

Basically, the writers in my room are incredibly sweet and I currently owe them a lot.


*You're really cool if you get the joke I made in the title.
** Want to sign up for this woman's writing workshop in Colorado!? It's only $500 and it's called "Disembodying Poetics." I'm sure there's space.

A Compliment

I received the best compliment I've ever been given today. At least, the one that makes me think.
A crew member on the Nickelodeon show I work on said to me today:

"I like the way you are."

Out of nowhere. I response to nothing I did or said. He was an old dude. He was a camera opp on "Starsky and Hutch." He's really old. He said it in that old, maybe gay, wise man way that I only recall from teachers from college. I like the way you are. It's a lovely thing to say, really. There's a lot of people I highly enjoy, but few people I think I could say that to, and really know what I meant. I can't wait to tell all those people.



PS. This was the first picture that came up when I google-image searched "a compliment."

This is a Conversation I Had

I ran into an improv friend at The Echo last night. This is what was said:


Me: Hey!
Jeremy: Hey!
Me: (yelling) I'm mad at you.
-What'd I do!?
-Nothing.
-Okay?
-That's the point!!!
-What?
-You always act like you're flirting with me and it's dumb cuz you never ask me out on a date and you totally should.
-Okay...
-Ask me out on a date!!!
-Um...
-Ask me out on a date, bitch!
-I...
-Don't worry, I'll totally say no.
-What!? That's mean.
-Well it's the truth. I will definitely say no.
-Okay fine let's go on a date.
-BE SPECIFIC! Where are we going?
-I don't know... to a ferris wheel.
-Okay!
-What!? You said you were gonna say no!
-Well I changed my mind.
- Uhhh!!!
- When are you picking me up? I'm super busy lately... it will have to be a Saturday night. You good for Saturday?

Then I think he walked away.