I wrote a Stand-Up act this morning. I dunno, just because.

Mackenzie comes on stage.  She's very tall and blonde and pretty.  She starts talking:

I think a better way to end racism is for Americans to establish a healthy, more robust sense of xenophobia.    I hear it’s big in the Bible belt, but I’m not from there (obviously, look at me, have you heard me say duhhh).  But I’m not talking about just hating other countries and being all “America is number one,” I mean just really saturating this dislike for foreigners a little more.  Really question their existence in our land of lands.  Why?  It’s not because I actually believe this (obviously, look at me, I’ve travelled the world), it’s because I think isolating and exporting the hate elsewhere will lessen the hate here.  Let me give you an example of why this works.

It’s an example from my life. BAM.

Sidebar- Wasn’t it weird in English class in high school when you were only sometimes allowed to site an example to strengthen your thesis that wasn’t a quote from the book but an example from your life?  But only sometimes because it kind of was shitty writing.  I remember arguing for it.  Because I hadn’t read the book.  “I know the last example was from my life, but I really think the next paragraph should ALSO be an example from my life.  There was this time I learned what it meant to walk in mile in someone’s shoes… Mr. Thorson, I’m sorry, I just see literature around me wherever I go. I can’t help it.  My life is an example sponge.”  A +.  Idiot teacher.

What?

Ah yes, Asians.  I grew up in the San Gabriel Valley where I went to K-12 in an all Asian school.  85% I think was the last time I made up that statistic.  The best part about it wasn’t knowing a ton about another culture, learning some of their language and culinary delights, but that I, as a white America, got to grow up being an illusive… “minority.”  So sexy.  Especially to a 16 year old.  “Maybe I would have won ASB 9^th grade class secretary if I WASN’T WHITE.”  Drop mic.  No but that’s actually true.  Damn my alabaster skin, coated in its organic lotions and facials (# not from the Bible Belt.  Duhhh). 

What?

So I come to you with this genius idea to save our country from my experience as a MINORITY.

Lemme break it down.  Let’s use middle school in this example. 

Chapter One: Not a girl not yet a woman

In middle school, there were the Asians, the whiteys, and the FOBS.  For those of you who do not know what that means, it’s a racial term meaning “fresh off the boat.”  I woke up the other day missing that I hadn’t said this word in about ten years.  I bet that’s how the people of Antebellum felt about not calling black people crows?  Crow?  Is that one?  Or is that just from Dumbo?  Uh, so many to keep up with.  

Side note – Having not grown up with any black people (That doesn’t mean I only was around white people – MINORITY) I’m still really confused and flabbergasted at the sheer amount of racial slurs for African Americans.  There are multitudes!  I had to learn all these like, from Tyra Banks on Top Model!  Seriously.  Before I went to college!  Learn your SAT words and your Biggot words, you know, just in case.  You don’t want people to think you’re intolerant. 

What?

Fobs.  We used to throw this word around like it was nothing.  Asians and whites and Shaun Shuhani alike…

White Kid: “Damnnit, I don’t want my Make a Poster About Some Bullshit group to be with the Fobs!”

Asian Kid: “I don’t blame you.  I only have one in my group.”

White Kid: “Lu-Cky!”

Asian Kid: “She didn’t know what I was saying, so I just told her to draw. I hate Fobs.” 

White Kid: “I hate Fobs, too.”

Both: “CEMENTED FRIENDSHIP.”

See?  Not racist.  Nationalist.  It didn’t have to do with the color of their skin.  Okay, it did have to do with it.  If they were a foreigner like, a Mexican or Indian or Russian kid, no one would have called them annoying because that would have been racist.  But we did that to the kids from China and Korea.  Because there were a lot of them.  And you know, there was never any segregation between races BECAUSE of that.  I really think I’m onto something here.  Well.. at least not until we grew up and became adults and learned to hate and fear EVERYONE that didn’t look and think the way we did.  But that’s another story for another time.  God, I’m so much like James Baldwin.  Why has no one ever compared me to James Baldwin yet?  (Note to self: pay someone to call me the female, white, BFA from an Acting College James Baldwin.)

So here we were, the whites and Asians, standing side by side and not liking the same new kids together.  Because they were weird and different.  And reminded most of my grade of their grandmas, who shuffled around in the back of their homes, picking up oranges from other people’s yards and yelling at my friends in Mandarin, which meant nothing to them because none of them spoke it.  

Chinese Friend: “Uh, just ignore her.  Po-po, go back to your room!” 

God, they are so cruel to their elders.  Why can't they lock them away in a windowless prison across the country from their family and speak to them once a year, annoyed at having to do that one annual chore, like us white people do?  Animals.

Oh, and people thought I WAS Asian for a small amount of time.  That was great.  Got so many guys.  Finally!!!! For some reason, my friends and I all told everyone my grandma was Asain.  And very, very specifically, the Asian woman who cast a spell on Mel Gibson in “What Women Want”.  So he can hear women think about how hot he is.  Gertrude Wong was the actress.  This is true and weird. 

After all of this, I am still so angry at misrepresentation of the Asian culture.  If you’re going to make fun of a race… at least make fun of them from the heart.  Thank you, and as always…. Gong shee fow tie home ba la ni.