Wednesday, January 29, 2014

1602

I was feelin very confident because i was wearing my always cool SINGLE EARRING:
Brought to you by THE Sasha Raether.  Seriously, whenever I feel unsafe... I wear the single earring. I feel like it throws people off.  In a good way. 

Anyway, I was at this bar tonight:

And the bartender was a multicultural man named Carl (confusing), and he said how annoyed he was at his name. And I was like..."Just tell people you're named after Carl Weathers.  People will respect that shit!" And he told me the real reason he was embarrassed was because his parents are Jamican. And because they named him "Carl," this gives him no cool Jamaican street cred.

I felt so bad for him, I did my Jamaican accent I learned from  a casset tape I bought at Samuel French in the 7th grade.
It sounds very similar to my "voodoo priestess" accent I did I. New Orleans.

Needles to say, I did not get a free drink that night.


Monday, January 27, 2014

And This


A sign for classes for Jews on how to be a Jew.  
Can't tell what's in the pictures in the hourglass? Here's a close up:


A young man, in our crazy cosmopolitan day and age, not sure how to be a Jew!

And the days of his grandparents:
When they just sang musicals all day.
There is literally a fiddler on their roof.
I feel like this add for Jews by Jews is anti-Semitic....

Espanol

I work for my mom (designer for the stars) sometimes. Today I went to a doctor's house to help load old furniture into a Salvation Army truck. (Which is the charity we're not supposed to like because they love George Bush and hate gays? Salvation Army?  Or is it Goodwill? I forgot. Instead of simply looking it up, I won't support any of them and throw my perfectly good things in the trash. Nay! Better yet! I'll buy new clothes, and immediately ask the employee that just rang me up to throw them in their little waste basket.  "Make sure I SEE you pour that Mountain Dew on those capris..." Take that, Bush administration!)
Where was I?
Oh. The worker men were Latino.
I asked either of them if they spoke Spanish.

White people, when you ask things like that, do you ever feel like the ethnic person kind of braces themselves?  I've noticed this.  I see in their eyes that they all too well know I'm going to say somethig really ignorant or offensive.  Which is probably because that  is usually the case.  I could feel them being used to it; that I was a dumb gringo ready to say something just so painfully rude.  Little did they know who they were talking to... Mackenzie... The famous blogger who specializes in World Peace and equality.  Little did they know what cultural barrieres I was about to break...

"Do either of you speak Spanish?"
"....yes."
"How do you say watermelon?"
"............Sandia..."
"Thanks!"

Pause.

"... Why?"
"Well, right before I woke up in my dream, I said to someone, I don't know who, 'Como se dice watermelon?' And I just had to find out!"
"Okay. Can we go now?"

Breaking. Down. Barriers.





Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Perfect Dog

An old man on a bike just stopped and got off his bike to congradate me for Begley.  Just his existence.
"Congradulations."
"I know."


Tender Shepard



Today I went to Lincoln middle school's production of "Peter Pan."  Man... That show can still really get you.  It's so emotional. Was it that way when we were little? I don't think so.  Even though the musical is super bizarre (remember the part about the inexplicable "doodledoo"?) like most old musicals, it still is really emotional.  Don't you hate it when you can feel your heart swelling for really stupid things?  This was me the whole time.  Mackenzie, you know tinlerbelle isn't really dying, stop being moved that the audience is told to clap. It means nothing. The world is a horrible place... But I just want to believe!!!!

How adorable is this ticket?!!!


The best part was that one of the Indians was a real life Indian. So she like... Wore a giant headdress?  And it was never explained. Did she just have it at home and like, demand to wear it?  I hope I can direct a middle school production one day so I can be there to squelch these  artistic inconsistencies.

 The absolute most horrible part was the reason we were there... This story is unbelievable.  My dad's best friend's daughter was Mr. Darling (she's tall. And no, it is not an all girls school. I tip my hat to you, director, for giving all the girls the good parts even though they were meant for boys, because they just are better. Why isn't that what everyone does?).
So we go to see her play, she's in 7th grade, and I find out he's not allowed to see his own daughter in her school play.  Why? His ex wife, her mother, is Voldermort.  Those are "her days" of custody, so she refuses to let him see his daughter in her first play.  He was there at the beginning to walk his ailing mother to her seat, and the ex wife saw him there, took pictures and called the police to say he's kidnapping the daughter.  Which she does a couple times a week.  I just... I didn't know this type of evil existed. 

DrownOut

That's the title of our next sketch we are shooting.  When the kids in this sketch asked "what is this for?" It was really hard to answer without taking a good look in the mirror and thinking about all our life choices. 
 "It's just for the Internet."  
"What does that mean?"
"Like, we're shooting it so people watch it like on YouTube."
"It's really hard to get views on YouTube channels."
"How do you know that? You're 9."
"I have one. We have a lot of views. (World weary)  But it took us a long time to get there..."
"What the hell."
"We just do it for fun. It's videogame stuff. Why are you guys doin this?"
Long, sad moment of reflection.
"... I can't answer that simply."


Here is Ben directing our wonderful kid actors, Ellie Surman and Holden.

There is nothing more attractive in a man than a good connection with children.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Linda Wallace... Designer to the Stars!

My mother is designing the bathroom of... BETTE MIDLER.
She has a meeting with her next week.  She's getting her roots done before it DON'T WORRY.
Linda... has made it.


Thursday, January 23, 2014

CNN

What the hell is wrong with you, CNN? Just stop.  Just stop being the worst.
I get the CNN updates sent to my phone.  I don't know the last thing that was remotely "news" I was sent.

This is what I got today:

Seriously?  
I'm too hungover to make a joke. I'm just angry.  And confused.  Who decides these things? And where can I fire them?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Nickelodeon meeting

I wish I could have told my younger, SNICK obsessed self that my first real meeting as a creative professional was going to be at Nickelodeon. I'm so excited and nervous. I'm in their garage right now bc I'm early and I'm facing the wall so no one sees me.  Which now that I think about it, is the same logic as when babies close their eyes and think no one can see them.

But I have no fear. Because I'm wearing my POWER OUTFIT.
Observe....
Lots of little bracelets like really cool actresses wear like Lindsay Lohan.  
Once a psychologist told me that the amount of tiny bracelets a woman wears on her left arm is equally comparable to the amount of mental instability she has.

My tallest shoes to make me look like an adult.
And they also look like Disney's matterhorn ride.  So they will know I'm adventurous and not afraid of the part with the abominable snowman. 

Kate Spade earrings because duh. 

A white boyfriend shirt with black pants because looking a bit masculine makes you seem really cool and relaxed.  What?  I just woke up and threw this on because I don't ever think about what I'm wearing.  Because I'm too busy coming up with AMAZING ideas to change the minds of today's youth through the most important art form, children's television.

 I basically scream "Professional, not crazy businesswomen."


Especially with the protruding bag of "juju" in my "gris gris voodoo bag" hanging from my neck.  It's where I keep my magic... person that I want to employ me.  Want me to braid your hair?.....  Come on... let me touch your hair... LET ME JUST TOUCH YOUR HAIR!!!  GIVE ME YOUR HEAD!!!


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

So... what do you VooDo?


Voodoo was a disappointment.

I know this because I talked to a voodoo expert at Reverend Zombie's House of Voodoo in New Orleans.  He had long, Russell Brand hair, one hand with short fingernails and the other with extremely long, ones and was wearing a dress.  So OBVIOUSLY I was going to do and believe everything he told me.
But everything he said could be found in "The Secret."  So disappointing.  I wanted to buy some stuff I had to mix together with a stick and tears from my enemies!!  But apparently, it's the same as all that I Ching, "Wherever you go, there you are" crapola.  Which I also fervently believe in.

I bought a "gris gris" bag because he told me to.  I thought there was going to be SOMETHING voodoo-y about it, but he's like, "Yeah.  It's super magical.  Like, rabbit's foot magical."  What the hell?!
And then we went to THE Voodoo museum,

and it was like the (adorable) docent was there to convince us nothing is satanic or negative or powerful or magical in voodoo.  She LOVES Angela Basset, though.  So weird.
Actually, now that I think about it, the amount of Voodoo experts that emphasised how lackluster the voodoo community is.... is kind of making me think they were tricking us because they are planning a massive, world dominating uprising.  Full of zombies.

Yes, that is what I'm going to assume they meant by their whole "we're not doing anything with voodoo nowadays..." vibe.
I bet Obama is behind it.

Monday, January 20, 2014

I'm pretty sure I wrote all the last blog posts wasted.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

We're Here Again


We thought we were going to see blues.  But the music sounds like the "Phenomenon" soundtrack... In a bad way.

So tell yourself, Duckie, you're really quite lucky.

Last night we went to 
d.b.a.

Tonight we went to
The Maple Leaf


Older Mackenzie.  come to both of these amazing music venues when you are married and you are showing your now tired... taciturn husband all the spots of your youth. "This is where I experienced real music... IE... The food of love." And he will say, "Ah, half of he famous quote from 12th night." And I will say, "you know me so well, love.  Come experience my... Youth." And then we will cheers to youth. And he will tell me he doesn't have log to live. And I will shush him. And say, "Jefferey K Goldbloom, you are not that much older than me.  Hush now my sweet, we are in New Orleans."

Saturday, January 18, 2014

NOLA 1


FACTS:
We are the youngest people on Burbon St.  
There are no women here.
All the cab drivers tell us to be SAFE.  THERES SO MANY BAD PEOPLE HERE THAT WILL STEAL YOUR THINGS!!!

There's a buddy system in place:
In height order:
Mackenzie and Nick
Anne and Lydia
Erin and Marisa 
Mariann and her Fetus

Height. Order.


Friday, January 17, 2014

To NOLA

Erin looking very proud of herself bc she's zone 6 and I'm zone 8.


By the way, who has 8 zones AIR TRAN?!  Literally everyone has borded except for me and three college boys wearing fox hats (the ones that hang down to your stomach) talking about their upcoming chem test.  Man... They are quizzing each other, and Patrick keeps forgetting the answers!!!  You guys don't even KNOW how embarrassed Patrick is right now. So many burns happening right behind me.  So many burns...

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Untitled Mackenzie Written Sketch Shoot

Now that my sketch/movie/filming stuff group had one hit ("Him") I'm worried to do anything else. It's funny that no matter what I'm writing... From a spec to try to get a job on a high paying job, to a stupid blog post that literally means nothing... I am consistently terrified it's going to be bad writing and not funny.
I hear that never ends.
This is why I should never act in things I've written.  Because the whole time, instead of saying the lines and "acting," I am busy thinking "this is really stupid. This is the worst sketch anyone had ever written. I'm going to have to PAY a PROFESSIONAL to edit this crap because this dialog is unusable and doesn't make sense and is... The worst of the worst... Common.  
But Liz Walworth was great.
And Alex Reed made us look like Kardashians which was so weird!!! These pics don't do justice to the amount of crazy girl makeup we were wearing.  How do women live like this!???

Duck face?  I don't know. I don't think we pulled it off. Duck Face is like what Spiro Agnu called porn... I know it when I see it.

No one google to confirm he said that. It's correct.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Scott Speedman sighting!


I've seen him once before at a Radiohead concert.  And I almost died.  Like just expired and blew away in the wind.  Like when some of the Death Eaters were Avada-Cadabraed at the end of HP.  By the way... what the hell, storytellers of the HP movies???  You can't keep changing what it looks like to be killed by the same spell.  Like, the good people die like regular people do, but like, some of the death eaters just explode into dust?  It's called consistency Hollywood.  Look it up.

Anyway, I was at a make up store trying to find fake eyelashes and Scott Speedman and I struck up a long conversation!  After he told me I was the funniest girl he's ever met and that I'm definitely going to be a writer on a Nickelodeon show one day, he asked for my number.  I'm pregnant already.  The baby's name is Speedy McSpeedman. *Spot which part of this paragraph is the true statement!


*The one where I saw him in a store.
This is his girlfriend.

PS. JJ Abrams' finest work was the TV show "Felicity."  Anyone who wants to dispute that FACT is just an IDIOT.  Who cares about this "Star Wars" thing. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

No Shit, Sherlock

WHAT THE HELL!??!?!!
Why was the season premier of The BCC's "Sherlock" the worst thing in the world!!?!?!  It was like when "Arrested Development's" third season came out and stupid Charlize Theron was on it.  How can we make this show EVEN funnier?  Oh, I know, let's add the comic stylings of Charlize Theron.
Idiots.

But this was even worse.  I don't even want to get into it.  Wait, I will.
1. Suddenly he's really foppish, donning clever disguises and silly accents (something that is in the books that I'm glad the series never did because it's RETARDED) 2. The direction is suddenly SUPER COOL and we have an immense amount of warped and sped-up "B-roll" shots (sorry people not in LA that don't get that very inside reference) 3. He has feelings for other people (he was 100 times sexier when he didn't have feelings.  Mmm.  My type of man.  Mm, emotionless). 4. He likes the public and wants attention (WTF) and 5. It was really dumb.

I'm almost as mad as I was when I saw... dare I say it... Wedding Crashers.  I decided the other day if I ever decide to kill myself, I will do it thusly:
Turn on Wedding Crashers.  Pause it.  Hang myself.  Leave a note that says, "You did this to me."  And everyone in the world will finally turn their backs on the atrocity.


PS. Bennedict Cumberbactch's sexiness needs it's own word.  Because his face doesn't make sense.  I want to call it, "Inbred Hot."  He's really inbred-looking.  Like a little fetal-alcohol-syndrome-y.  But really hot.  Inbred hot. 

Monday, January 13, 2014

Donghia

This is the showroom my uncle works at.  Isn't he cute!?  He's at a desk where he works! AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!  And my other uncle looking like he's about to steal something and run.
I now realize I take terrible pictures.


After we met him here, we went to that stupid Panera bread place for lunch.  You know they give you a stick that says your table's number after you order?  Well, we'd waited like ten minutes and my mom decides their system for service doesn't work.  So she takes the stick with "7" on it and starts walking around the restaurant in circles.  And when she'd meet an employee she would like, really seriously lock eyes with them and present our "7".  And then she'd keep walking in the circle.  I would have told her what she was doing was incredibly stupid, but then she would have stopped walking in that circle.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Today we had an


Dallas is the best vintage shopping in the country!!! Everyone there is stylish but like really conservative.  So all the weird shit is cheap and everywhere.  Weird shit!!! 

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Lords of Dogtown

I went for a run in Dallas.  My uncles live in Oak Cliff which is, apparently, the "ghetto" of Dallas. So I (#SpeedyMcYeager) went on a run I ran to the "worst area," which is all Mexican.  You know how in Mexico there are stray dogs everywhere?  Well in the Mexican areas of our country, there are still stray dogs everywhere?  It was so weird!  I ran like 6 blocks South of my Uncles' house and there were like.....I'm not hyperbolizing... AT LEAST three lap dogs following me at all times.  Lap dogs!  Tiny, stray lap dogs!!!  So incredibly weird!

Now that I think about it, though, it probably wasn't as weird as sight as I was.

There is this extremely embarrassing thing I do. (I'm always scared I'm going to do it when I'm around.. a crush.)  But I found myself doing it on this run.  So.... I get a lot of joke ideas when I run.  You know how much the brain loves endorphins.  And I have this really, really bad habit of acting my ideas out, by myself, without realizing it.  Like, fulling pantomiming all the characters' actions inside my head.  I hate myself.

So in this instance, I was running around the Mexican ghetto of Dallas, with 2-5 lap dogs following me, pretending to play the saxophone.  Until I caught myself.  Damnit, you're acting out the jokes in your head again, Yeager.  Stop pretending to play the saxophone really intensely while you slowly jog!!!!

In my defence, I think it's a really good joke idea:

Two people are in a car, at the end of a date.  It's really awkward and no one knows how to make the first move.  So the guy pushes a button on his phone, and I appear in a golden onesie playing the saxophone really intensely.  They immediately fall in love and kiss.  The screen says, "Romance problems?  Call 'The Masters of Sax.'"

I hope no one on the internet steals this very good idea. 

This picture is my Uncles' dog who is not a stray.  Obviously.  He owns a blanket. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Dallas!

We got to Dallas! 

Dinner with the uncles!


I'm Elaine Stritch tonight. 

ANOTHER VOKDA STINGER!


Thursday, January 9, 2014

He's Dead



If you were wondering who my grandfather was in the war with, he will tell you.  About all of them.  And he will go one by one, telling you the man's name, and that he's dead.  He won't just look at a picture of 40 men in uniforms and say, "They're all dead."  He will go one by one... Steve Smith... he's dead....Gil Conroy... he's dead.... Matt Abbott... he's dead.

And it won't stop until he falls asleep talking about the war..."dead...he's...dead....." Snore.  Run away!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Alamo Draft House

Is the coolest place in the world!!! It's like where movies go to die. In a good way.
You can eat and drink during the movie, but in a cool old fashioned way.  Not a stupid $16 martini Gold Crown Cinema type of way.  $5 Blue Moons. Yes.
And the people working there love movies.
And the posters are original and awesome.
And there are awesome clips before your movie, pertaining to the theme. (I.E. I saw "Anchorman 2" tonight... Why are people not talking about the ridiculousness that is this insane movie?!?.... And before the movie they showed clips of real newscasters flubbing their lines and being idiots... There were some awesome Bill O' Reilly moments worth looking up ...)
And apparently there's this thing where you like... I forgot what it's called. But it's like a grab bag. You sign up for a ticket and you don't know what movie you're going to see. And you show up at the theatre and crazy shit happens. 
IE:
Some people showed up at the theatre. Were told to get on a bus. We're driven to some deserted Texas road where suddenly... Zombies started attackin them!!!! They ran to an abandoned church where there was a big projector... And we're shown "Dawn of the Living Dead."  That's the coolest fucking surprise grab bag I've ever heard of.  When you're next in TX... Go here.
http://drafthouse.com/austin


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Kingsville

(Imagine very thick Texas accents for all below)

Grandpa at Walmart:
Well someone's already been drinkin this one...


Meeting friends at Walmart:
"My daughter and grandchild are in town!"

House my mom was born in.

Conversation in the car:
-That's the woods that Uncle Pooh got lost in after he was chasin that armadilla. - Who'd he got lost with?
-That crazy Ingles girl.
- oh yeah she went insane later.
-oh no, it wasn't her.  It was that other girl down the street. The other one.
- oh, she started runnin later on with that Manson boy. Lil Charlie.
Me: Charles Manson?
- Yep. And over here is the post office!


Monday, January 6, 2014

Texas

There's nothing like visiting your grandparent's house to make you feel like something terrible is imminent.  Like you're about to catch a "chill" that will immediately kill you. Or all these Precious Moments figurines staring at you are going to all combine into one Transformers Precious Moment and shoot you.
Old fashioned hat racks everywhere... With no hats on them, looking like a barren tree in the scariest winter.
Eh...
Everything is creepy...

Saturday, January 4, 2014

2014

The year I start blogging EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I'm going to do it.
Why?  Because I'm very important.
Just kidding.
I'm going to start blogging (Carson) daily because I'm a better writer when I'm writing emails to the 7 girls that read this blog.  For some reason, when these women are my audience, I am so much funnier and articulate and know more about Pangea.
I'm trying to figure out how to make this private so only ya'll can read it, *but I can't figure it out.  I'm going to do that so I can start writing about insane things I don't want bosses or Internet People (Obama) to find out about me.  Because my privacy settings will definitely keep the government out.  God, stop stalking me, Government.
(By the way, government, why isn't there a "w" in "stalking?"  It's like "walking."  It should be "stawlking."  Please take this into consideration.)

Until then... stay posted.  Tomorrow's post is going to be about me discovering how to navigate the world of... nail polish.  STAY TUNED FOR THIS CRAZY EXCITING SHIT!!!
(Picture includes 7 women (3 electronic) not being rude, but being good at staying in touch with friends)

*One of my biggest pet peeves is when you watch a "how to" video and they click on something, and you click on the same thing... and it takes you to a completely different looking page than the one the video person is on.  Yeah, I'd like to click that button next like you are doing... BUT I DON'T POSSESS THAT BUTTON!!!  THAT BUTTON DOES NOT EXIST FOR ME.
So until now, everyone can read this.  But hopefully I can make it so it's just you guys.  If anyone knows, give me a holla.